It’s 2050 and men spend most of their time writing passionate letters and sending money to charismatic female murderers in prison. It’s 2050 and the number one compliment that women give men is “feisty.” It’s 2050 and instead of using fossil fuels, planes and trucks now run on feelings. The entire Supreme Court has been replaced by Tumblr posts by Avatar: The Last Airbender slash fans. Joss Whedon has been exiled to an uninhabited island where he is regularly brought food and supplies but forbidden from creating narratives about ass-kicking blonde women. The entire cast of Entourage are living footstools in Emma Watson’s house. It’s 2050.

It’s the year 2050 and it’s illegal for men to buy protein powder or use the free weights at the gym. They can use the stair-stepper and if they’re very good, the little two-pound dumbbells that are coated in pink plastic, but they can only use them for calf raises. It’s 2050 and feminists have sexualized men’s calves. It’s 2050 and it’s illegal for a man to play a guitar in a public place or to know what time it is. Men have to guess.

It’s 2050 and Werner Herzog is no longer allowed to make documentaries, only provide commentary over reruns of The Golden Girls and Golden Palace. This is where feminism is leading us.

–Mallory Ortberg on feminism’s ultimate victory.