The (al)lure of Sexy Skyrim.

/The (al)lure of Sexy Skyrim.

I swear I didn’t mean for this to happen. Really. I just wanted to look at trees.

That’s the thing, see? Living in Australia. Living in one of the driest-yet-non-desert parts of Australia means I really, really like temperate forests. Y’know, like with the big tall trees and the mist and the moss and maybe a river and stuff? Yeah. I love that shit. ‘Cause we don’t have any locally. So I resign myself to reblogging other people’s photos on my Tumblr, because that’s what the internet is for, right?

So, anyway, I’m reblogging my photos and I come across a photoset that’s not photos at all. It’s screenshots. From Skyrim which, man yeah. Been a while since I played that. But I end up clicking a few links and, well. I get to this video:

And, a part of me is like… damn. I don’t need to just reblog photos of rad forests. I could totally walk through some if I just reinstalled Skyrim on my–oh, oh holy shit wait for it–beastly new computer that could totally tear though some modded-up, 4k graphics! And, like, I’m pretty sure the last time I played Skyrim I played it mostly un-modded on account of there, like, not being a modding community for it yet? I think? Anyway. Mods! Who doesn’t love them the shit out of some mods?

So I re-downloaded the game and hit me up the Nexus to grab the stuff recommended in the video. It took me, like, half a day although, admittedly, a good chunk of that was trying to figure out how to get ENB to stop crashing me to desktop on load. Spoiler alert: ENB was working fine, it was actually a totally unrelated incompatible non-SE mod that was CTDing me.

Also, I may have been half-delirious with fever at the time. But whatever. Point being, this:

Aw yeah. That’s the foresty goodness I’m talking about!

Except… like. There’s this… thing about Skyrim, right? About all Bethesda games, actually. And it’s, well. It’s the character models in it? Kinda fucking ugly. And it just seemed… a shame to have such… unattractive character models running around in such a beautiful world, wearing such well-rendered armor. You understand, right? So I downloaded some more mods. To, y’know. Pretty them up a bit. Like new hair and eyes, that kind of thing, and…

And, man. These default skin textures are kinda fucking terrible, aren’t they? Yeesh. Surely there’s a replacer for that. Like Total Character Makeover. That’s a good start, right? Nice and “lore-friendly”, as they euphemistically say and…

Hm. I mean, it’s better, right? But, like, maybe… maybe it could be even betterer. Like with SkySight Skins. Proper pores! Real toes! Awesome, now the dudes look they belong with the stuff from, say, Immersive Armors. Now… to find something similar for the women.

Ye-ee-eah. About that.

Look, it’s a slippery slope, right? You download some new body meshes and skin textures, but there’s no point doing that unless you also update the armor meshes to go with it. And, hey. Turns out there’s a whole bunch more armor mods to download, all nicely integrated into the gameplay. Who doesn’t want a bigger range of clothes to choose from, right? Like, y’know. Miniskirts.

For everyone. All the time.

So… spoiler alert: Basically this is the story of how I started wanting an excuse to walk through a pretty forest, and ended up modding Skyrim into softcore porn.

And, y’know. Some of you may recall this isn’t my first offence; we went through this all before when I “magically” “discovered” for “no reason” that I actually really enjoy TERA. Go figure, right? And the same sort of things still apply. Namely, it’s… actually kinda liberating to–just for a little while–exist in a world where women can wear whatever the fuck they want, and men don’t act like shits to them because of it. Going to battle in nothing but a bikini? Fuck, so long as you kill that freakin’ dragon, no-one gives a damn. Weird as it seems to say, at least men in Skyrim know how to fucking behave themselves.

Of course, if I have one complaint about Sexy Skyrim, it’s that there really aren’t enough clothing-and-armor mods for the dudes. I mean, about the closest things are stuff like this:

Nice arms, though.

Which… ugh. I mean, it’s not like that mod for Dragon Age 2. Y’know the one that gave all the dudes sexy, no-chest armors? Man, that was a great mod. I loved that mod. Skyrim modders, y’all need to get onto that shit, okay?

And, in the meantime? In the meantime, I guess Imma just gonna have to go kill the dragon.

And stick one single scale from its body over each of my NSFW bits. For modesty.

2018-05-22T09:00:48+00:00 17th August, 2017|Tags: gaming, video games|Comments Off on The (al)lure of Sexy Skyrim.