(Based in part on this blog post, with additions by yours truly.)

You will need:

  1. 1x article, blog post, comment, or forum thread about self-publishing
  2. much alcohol, very booze

Take a drink:

  • Any time the words “choice”, “freedom”, “control”, or “revolution” are used.
  • At any comparison of royalty rates, either with numbers (“70%!”) or folksy, Pa Kent-sounding platitudes.
    • Take two shots if the maths is wrong.
  • Any time self-publishing is called a hobby.
    • Take two if this occurs anywhere near anything talking about money/profit/royalties/etc.
  • “Readers are our gatekeepers!”
  • “Legacy publishing”.
  • “Hugh Howey”.

Drain the glass:

  • “You should’ve self-published your book!”
  • “Traditional publishing is like winning the lottery!”
  • Unironic comparison of traditional publishing to a cartel, et cetera, in the same post as anything lauding Amazon.

Drink everything in sight:

  • Anytime anyone compares traditional publishing to sexual assault, intimate partner violence, prostitution, or similar.

… What am I missing?