My husband cooked dinner last night (a pork roast). Champagne may also have consumed (“rich kid” passion pop, Chandon Cuvée Riche), and the problem with too much dinner and too much wine is that it gives me the munchies. So I braved The Husband’s mancave and asked if he’d bought dessert. He said no. We couldn’t drive to get any (ref. champagne), and couldn’t walk either (due to my Freak Toe Accident earlier in the day). So that sucked.

I still really wanted dessert though.

So I stumbled downstairs and made up something. This is that something.

You will need

  1. Apples. I used two apples because coincidentally that was the number of apples in the fruit bowl at the time. Also the number of people to be consuming the final product. You could probably achieve the same result with less or more apples, IDK. Give it a go. Oh, and the apples were Jazz Apples but I’m not sure that matters too much. Maybe some tarter ones next time?
  2. Butter. None of that margarine shit. It’s bad for you anyway. Just straight-up butter.
  3. Brown sugar. I hate cooking with brown sugar because mostly I jut sit there eating the stuff out of the box. (Goddamn do I love brown sugar.)
  4. Flour of some description. I couldn’t even tell you what kind it was I grabbed out of the cupboard. Probably plain flour, IDK. Wholemeal might actually be nicer.
  5. Cinnamon. Powdered. Or sticks that you’ve ground up to be powdered. Either works.
  6. Spiced mead. I used Maxwell’s. You could probably use a whole bunch of alcohols here, for slightly different flavours. I’m not sure what non-drinkers would substitute… let me know if you find something!

It’s also handy to have

  1. A knife and, optionally, a cutting board for cutting up apples.
  2. Some kind of baking dish. I used like a shallow Pyrex pie dish thing.
  3. Something to cream and/or rub-in butter, sugar, and flour. I used the mini-blender attachment to my stab mixer. Most beaters and food mixer devices work as well. And yes, you can do this by hand if you really want to.
  4. An oven. You pretty much can’t make this without an oven.

You will do

  1. Preheat the oven. I think mine was on about 180-200°C, but I fiddle with the temperature up and down as I’m cooking. If you’re not sure, start on the cooler end; better to bake for a long time slightly too cool than to burn shit and have no dessert.
  2. Cut up the apples. I cut them roughly into eighths, and cut out the cores. I left the skins on, but you could peel them too, I don’t really care; it’s your dish, you make it how you want.
  3. Put the apples in your dish. Just lay and/or pile those suckers in there.
  4. Pour mead over the apples. Or whatever alcohol you’re using. You don’t need too much; just enough to leave a little puddle in the bottom. It does not need to cover the apples entirely (too much! abort! abort!).
  5. Put that aside, and cut the butter into cubes. How much butter? I don’t fucking know. I was drunk when I made this, do you think I measured shit? Just cut as much up as you think you need and then cut up more if that’s not enough.
  6. Cream your butter and sugar. How much sugar? Again, I’ve got no freakin’ clue. Some sugar. More sugar and your dish will be more sweeter. Mine was probably too sweet, I’ll be more sparing next time. Also, I did this in my stab mix blender. Here’s a guy teaching you to do it by hand. And also teaching me New Zealanders call Woolworths “Countdown”. Huh.
  7. When your butter and sugar are suitably creamed (you can eat some, I won’t tell), add the flour and cinnamon. You could use other spices, too. Like maybe nutmeg would be nice? Or ginger. Some cloves, if you’re feeling adventurous. Again, it’s your dish. Make it how you want.
  8. Rub in the creamed butter and the flour. Or just whack it into your automatic blending device of choice, whatever. Check for consistency, add more flour if required. You want it less like a big fat ball of cookie dough, and more like crumble. For putting on top of apple crumble. Which we’re making. You might need to “taste” the mixture a fair bit to “make sure it’s right”, ifunowwhatteyemeen.
  9. Sprinkle your crumble over the top of your apples. Cover all the apples or don’t. Whatever, it’s up to you. But you want a good layer; remember this is like your pie crust. If you didn’t make enough crumble, make some more. If you made too much, eat the leftovers. See? It’s in the recipe so you don’t even have to feel guilty about it.
  10. Slap that sucker into the oven. Bake the shit outta it. I think I did mine for about twenty to thirty minutes, lower at first (to make the apples soft and full of mead), higher for the last few minutes (to crisp up the crumble). I can never tell exactly how long on anything because I watch the oven rather than time things, which irks my husband when he asks me how to bake something and I’m like, “IDK just do it until it’s done.” I recommend doing what I do and sit on your kitchen floor reading a book while you wait. Mine was Kameron Hurley‘s God’s War. It’s great, you should read it.
  11. When your time is up (or when you get to the next chapter break), take out your creation and eat the shit outta it.

Rejoice! You just made dessert! The net result should sort of taste like soft boozy apples covered in mashed up biscuits. Like I mentioned above, mine was probably too sweet; next time I will try and use tarter apples, wholemeal flour, and less sugar. The Husband also suggested some nuts in the crumble. Walnuts would be nice for that.

So… yeah. This is what I get up to when I’m drunk and hungry.

And now you know.